Here are a few definitions not found in a dictionary

It may come as a shock, but I do turn to my dictionary for certain definitions while I am composing a column. I’ appreciate if you didn’t accuse me of fibbing. However, I have come across some amusing definitions not found in Webster’s New World Dictionary thought might draw a smile. Here goes:
Adam – The one man in the world who couldn’t say, “ Pardon me, haven’t I seen you before?’’
Alimony – A man’s cash surrender value.
Automobile – A machine that eliminated horses but made horse sense necessary. It contains over 1,000 nuts – the biggest one often being in the driver’s seat.
Bachelor – A bachelor is a man who gives in when he’s wrong; a married man gives in when he’s right. A bachelor either lacks the sand to propose or the rocks to marry. He’s the only man who never lied to his wife. The difference between a married man and a bachelor is that when a bachelor walks the floor with a baby at midnight he is dancing. The fellow who never says hasty things he has to regret afterward. It has been said, “Not all men are fools – some are bachelors.” A man, who when he accomplishes something great, gets all the credit.
Cheap politician – There isn’t any such thing.
Dog – The same as a bill collector. Both will stick with a fellow when he hasn’t a cent.
Naïve person – Anyone who thinks you are interested when you ask how he is.
Shoehorn – An instrument that only plays footnotes.
Success – To get as much money as the other fellow wishes he could have got. A country retail merchant retired with a fortune of $100,000. That was success. His ability to retire with $100,000 after 40 years, was due to hard work, strict attention to duty, absolute honesty, economical living and to the recent death of his uncle who left him $98,500.
Successful wife’s motto – If first you don’t succeed, cry, cry again..
New York – The city where the people from Oshkosh look at the people from Dubuque in the next theater seats and say, “Humph, these New Yorkers don’t dress any better than we do.”
RL Furse  is publisher emeritus of the News-Register